The Heart of Marriage

Dennis & Jill Eenigenburg

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5. WHAT IS GOD’S PATTERN FOR WIVES?

I. WIVES ARE TO FIRST LOVE JESUS CHRIST.

Jesus makes it clear that the way we express love for Him is by obeying His Word.

Obedience is the ultimate expression of worship because by it we make it clear that we trust Him and consider Him worthy to be Lord over our lives. To be a godly influence in her home a wife must first be a good follower of Christ.

A. Obeying Christ, wives seek to “to honor God’s Word” by example and exhortation.

Titus 2:3-5

1. Notice in these verses the kinds of behavior that “dishonor” the Word.

• “Malicious gossip”

• “enslaved to much wine”

2. Notice in these verses the kinds of behavior that “honor” God’s Word.

• “teaching what is good”

• “encouraging younger women to love their husbands”

• “encouraging younger women to be sensible”

• “encouraging younger women to be pure”

• “encouraging younger women to be workers at home”

• “encouraging younger women to be kind”

• “encouraging younger women to be subject to their own husbands”

B. Obeying Christ, wives cultivate their “hidden person of the heart.”

While man looks on the outward appearance, God looks at our hearts. When we focus only on the outside appearance we seek approval of the world’s values. What is precious in God’s eyes is not our physical beauty but our spiritual beauty.

Notice the qualities God is seeking.

• “a gentle spirit”

• “a quiet spirit”

• “submission to one’s husband” I Peter 3:1

• “chaste behavior” I Peter 3:2

• “respectful behavior” I Peter 3:2

C. Obeying Christ, wives seek to be “faithful in all things.”

1 Timothy 3:11

1. What does it mean to be “dignified?”

2. Why is the warning not to be a “gossip” repeated so often to women?

3. What does it mean to be “temperate”?

4. What does it mean to be “faithful”?

D. Obeying Christ, wives are modest in their looks and extravagant in their works.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

1. Wives are to be modest in their looks.

2. Wives are to be extravagant in their works.

E. Loving Christ, wives submit to God appointed authority.

1. Wives show their love for Christ by submitting to the teaching authority of the male leaders in the church. 1 Timothy 2:11-12

2. Wives show their love for Christ by reflecting the consequences of Eve’s disobedience. 1 Timothy 2:14

3. Wives show their love for Christ by training up their children to follow Him. 1 Timothy 2:15

II. Wives are to love their husbands.

Titus 2:4

A. Wives love their husbands by voluntarily submitting to their headship in the marriage and family.

1. God has designated the husband as the leader in the marriage relationship.

2. God calls wives to yield to the husband’s leadership because he represents Christ’s authority in the marriage.

3. The wife’s submission mirrors the submission of Christ’s bride, the church.

B. Wives love their husbands by showing them respect.

Ephesians 5:33

Question: What communicates “disrespect” to your husband?

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Question: What communicates “respect” to your husband?

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C. Wives love their husbands by being responsive to their needs.

1. The wife responds to her husband’s need for a co-worshipper.

2. The wife responds to her husband’s need for a co-worker.

3. The wife responds to her husband’s need for companionship.

4. The wife responds to her husband’s need for sexual intimacy.

God has designed marriage as a “one flesh” relationship. One of the ways husbands and wives love each other is by giving sexual pleasure to each other. Paul says that when we meet one another’s sexual needs in marriage it lessens temptation to immoral behavior.

In Willard Harley’s research he found the following needs among the husbands.

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Respect

3. Household Manager

It is interesting that the Bible encourages wives to “respect” their husbands and be “workers” in the home.

D. Wives love their husbands by being committed to the wellbeing of the family.

Proverbs 31:10-31

TAKE IT TO HEART: PART I

1. Read through this passage aloud as a group.

2. Individually read through the passage underlining every character quality of this woman.

3. Individually read through the passage and circle each activity performed by this woman.

4. Individually read through the passage and list 5 qualities or activities you would like to reflect in your care for your family.

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TAKE IT TO HEART: PART II

What are your husband’s top 3-5 top needs that you could lovingly meet?

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For your information Willard Harley found the following needs among the wives.

1. Affection – someone who cared how they felt.

2. Conversation – someone who would talk to them on a meaningful level of openness.

3. Financial stability – someone who was a good money manager.

4. Trustworthiness – Someone who was truthful and faithful.

5. Help with the children – someone who was an active co-parent.

What are your top 3-5 needs you would like your husband to fulfill?

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1. Schedule a time with your spouse to discuss your top felt needs.

2. Take turns asking each other how you could best meet each other’s needs.

3. Ask for specific ways you could communicate love more effectively.

4. Be willing to confess shortcomings and grant one another forgiveness.

5. Choose one or two goals related to meeting your mate’s needs.

6. Pray together for the power of the Holy Spirit to be a better lover.

E. A wife loves her husband by growing in the fruit of the Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:22-24

Growth Project

Memory Verses: 1Timothy 4:7-8

Using Scripture to Change My Life

This study is more important than anything we have done up to this point. Here you will be allowing God’s Word to bring specific change into your life. Remember, change—real spiritual change—is a work of God’s Spirit. Don’t ever think you can change in your own strength. This growth project is not magic, but it can help you use God’s Word to guide your attitude and behavior in relationship to God and your wife.

Here’s what you do.

Stage No. 1. —

Dismantling. “Lay aside the old self” (Ephesians 4:22)

a. Write out any wrong attitude or behavior in relation to your wife or others that you see in your life.

b. Think about and write down the negative consequences of these wrong attitudes or actions.

Stage No. 2 —

Rebuilding. “Be renewed in the spirit of your mind” (Ephesians 4:23)

a. Begin memorizing the verses given on the following pages.

b. Memorize at least one per week until eight or nine are memorized.

c. As you memorize, write down ways that the verse applies to you.

d. Write down any insights or convictions you have gained through meditating on these verses.

Stage No. 3 —

Exercising. “And put on the new self” (Ephesians 4:24)

a. After four to six weeks of memorizing, begin exercising your convictions by designing a project.

b. Write out specific ways that you desire to obey Scripture. Example: Pray every day for my wife and her needs.

c. Evaluate at the end of the time period or project and…

• do it again.

• Revise it.

• thank God for the victory; or

• do another project.

Stage No. 4 —

Defeating. “And not give the devil an opportunity” (Ephesians 4:27)

a. Satan will redouble his effort to tempt you and discourage you.

b. When he tempts you, quote the Scripture to him as a sword. (Matthew 4:1-11 and Ephesians 6:17)

Stage No. 5 —

Evaluating.

Record your experience and growth.

Four growth projects per year is a reasonable challenge.

TAKE IT TO HEART

Growth Project Verses

The following character traits and verses are only suggestions for you. For each additional character trait, you can easily complete your own by taking a topic and listing appropriate verses.

Kindness

Luke 10:34-35 1 John 3:16-18 Proverbs 14:21 Genesis 50:19-21

Acts 20:35b Proverbs 15:1 Leviticus 19:33-34 Ephesians 4:31-32

Luke 6:31 Matthew 25:35-36

Humility

Philippians 2:3-4 Romans 12:10 Matthew 23:11-12 Galatians 6:3

Luke 22:26 Isaiah 57:15 James 4:6b, 10 Romans 12:16 2

Corinthians 10:12 Romans 12:3a

Teachability

Psalm 143:10 Psalm 25:56 Psalm 78:7-8 Proverbs 29:1

Daniel 1:8 Proverbs 18:15 Proverbs 25:12 Jeremiah 9:23-24a

Psalm 32:9 Proverbs 2:1-10

Forgiveness

Ephesians 1:7 Micah 7:18-19 Luke 6:37 Luke 17:4

Romans 12:17-19 1 Peter 2:23 Luke 11:4a Mark 11:25

1 Peter 3:9a 1 Peter 3:8

Obedience

Luke 2:51a-52 Romans 13:1a Titus 3:1a, 2b 1 Samuel 16:7b

Deuteronomy 10:12 Matthew 6:24 Joshua 24:15 1 Samuel 12:20

Judges 16:16-17

Discernment

Proverbs 2:1-6 Hebrews 5:14 Colossians 4:5-6 Ecclesiastes 5:2

Proverbs 8:12-13 Proverbs 22:3 Proverbs 14:16 Proverbs 22:3

Proverbs 14:15 Proverbs 26:11

Purity

2 Timothy 2:22 Psalm 101:3-4 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 Romans 6:12-13a

Psalm 51:10 1 Timothy 1:5 Ephesians 5:1-4 1 Corinthians 6:9b, 12

1 Corinthians 6:18

Responsibility

John 10:11, 14 Romans 5:1-2 Genesis 43:9 Genesis 44:33-34

Joshua 24:15 Hebrews 11:24-25 1 Peter 4:10 Luke 17:10

Matthew 7:26 Luke 12:47

Courage

Daniel 3:16-17 1 Thessalonians 2:2 Joshua 1:9 Psalm 91:5-6

Acts 20:22-24 Deuteronomy 31:6 Daniel 6:5-11 Matthew 14:29b-31

Mark 4:37-40

Servanthood

Romans 14:21 1 Corinthians 10:24 Philippians 2:3-4 1 Corinthians 10:24

Matthew 23:11-12 Matthew 20:26-28 Mark 10:42-45 1 Corinthians 9:19

Matthew 25:42-43a Proverbs 11:26

Contentment

Lamentations 3:25-26 Psalm 27:13-14 Psalm 13:1-2 Psalm 37:4-5

Philippians 4:11-13 2 Corinthians 9:8 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 Psalm 37:7

1 Timothy 6:9

Endurance

Revelation 14:12 Daniel 3:28 James 1:12 1 Peter 2:19-20

Matthew 24:1 Mark 13:13 Galatians 6:9 Hebrews 12:1

1 Corinthians 10:13 Hebrews 10:36, 38-39

Is Jesus God?

Colossians 1:15, 16 Colossians 1:17 John 1:1-3 1 Peter 2:22-25

Mark 1:22 1 Timothy 3:16 Matthew 3:13-17

If You Feel Worried

Proverbs 3:4-6 Psalm 55:17-19, 22 Proverbs 20:24 Psalm 124:8

Psalm 125:1-2 Matthew 6:25-34 Psalm 18:2-3

If You Feel Discouraged

Psalm 42:1-11 Psalm 130:1-7 Psalm 31:2-12, 19-21 Jeremiah 20:11-18

Psalm 102:1-7 1 Peter 5:7-11 Psalm 43:1-3 Ephesians 1:8

How Much Does God Love Us?

John 3:16 Romans 3:23 Romans 8:35-39 1 Corinthians 2:9

Ephesians 1:4-5 Ephesians 3:17-19 John 15:9-13 1 John 3:1